Over 20 years ago this month, my friend and colleague Nathan ended his own life. He was only in his early 40s and it was a terrible shock to all of us who loved and respected him, and about a year later his mother, only in her early 60s, passed on as well, no doubt from a broken heart.
Nowadays, as I see the approach of her age coming up in my own years, I think about how and why things end.
Things end when people believe they've run out of options — or ideas. They're tired of trying, of problem-solving, of looking for alternatives. They're tired of the problem, that it exists at all.
Things end when people feel the burn of a constant disagreement and know they can no longer "agree to disagree." The state of disagreement becomes untenable.
Things end when it's healthier for an untenable situation to close, simply close. Sometimes the pain of ending things is less than the pain of living them out to no discernible conclusion.
In my job, I am constantly looking for solutions for my clients; it would be unacceptable for me to ever tell a client, "I'm sorry but that can't be done".... If Plan A is a bust, then let's try Plan B, or Plan C, or a hybrid of Plans C and F. And because that's the way I've lived for nearly 30 years, it's hard for me to accept it when people stop trying—or don't even begin to try at all. Coming up in the world of self-employment, I learned the try is what makes every risk and effort worthwhile of hope; but I've also learned that we each have different notions of "try." And so there's another lesson that comes with age: acceptance.
Acceptance. Finding one's own resilience again (and again, and again). Hope for the future. And peace to my friend Nathan's spirit, wherever he is.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
"Would it upset you if I told you...um...your hair is burning?"
Recently, in a spurt of utter frustration, a friend asked me, "Are you this brutally honest with everyone? Someone shows up in a new dress and asks your opinion, and you tell her, 'Yeah, it looks like a sack on you.'"
No, of course not: none of us are universally one unyielding level of conduct in every aspect of our lives. I think this would be a pretty rigid, unresourceful personality. And there are different levels to the truth people seek in their lives, and varying levels of presumption and ethical action in how we choose to respond.
Pretty little white lies
It's easy to tell social white lies: we're not real stakeholders, the other person wants to keep feeling good about an innocuous private decision, and no real harm is done. In fact, greater harm might be done by giving an unvarnished truth ("Your new dress is a terrible mistake")....Social white lies abound: the friend in the awful dress may not really be asking for my opinion; maybe she just wants me to join her in feeling good.
But what if she's a friend and a colleague, about to represent our interests in pitching a critical new account? or she's about to head into a job interview for a position she really wants?
Ersatz vs. authentic kindness
Most humans are well-intentioned; most want to be kind. But throughout my life, I noticed there are people who feel obligated to be kind, or who are only kind when it's easy to be kind — they may in fact garner some pretty good personal PR. Just as there are social white lies, there's a shallow social sort of kindness that people enact out of short-lived good intentions or a fuzzy sense of moral obligation. While it's true "it takes nothing to be kind," the illuminating, life-changing kindnesses I've experienced in my life have come from individuals who took huge risks by giving me an unvarnished truth, not because it pumped their egos to deliver it, but because I needed more info, another way of looking at things, or, more drastically, to keep me from a terrible mistake. And I've found the authentically graceful people of the world are those who go uncredited — who are kind when no one else is looking, and no one else will know the grace they've bestowed on the rest of us.
The unvarnished truth for everyday moral dilemmas
I had to take a "co-parenting seminar" when I filed for divorce, and the one great take-away was this: "You will face many difficulties and dilemmas as a parent, where you won't know what to do. Any decision you make in the best interests of your child will have been the right decision." Somehow that unvarnished truth held me steady for 20 years, especially when my own pride and ego threatened to get in the way.
So when people in my classes talk about the small but troubling moral dilemmas they face at work, where there's more gray area than not, where matters of ego and turf cloud good judgment, I tell them, "You have to form a clear picture of what's going on, get advisory you trust, size up the risk, and do what's best for your organization. No one can misconstrue your motives if you can explain how your actions are in the best interest of the organization." For those who serve as agents and consultants, this means the wellbeing and best interests of your client's organization, if they're at the heart of the matter.
What "ASSUME" can mean
Insecure leaders usually gravitate towards yes-men and sycophants; we all know this. Human nature. Happens all the time. At a point in our socio-political history where good leaders are harder than ever to find, each of us can be a leader by being unafraid of reality. Especially in times of organizational crisis, where gray areas abound, and noisy scrambling egos threaten to muddy good judgment, be prepared to take a calculated risk. Don't be afraid to confront half-baked good ideas or outright poppycock.
• Gently but firmly challenge points of unclear thinking, where you feel solutions have not been thought through. Ask for "groupthink" to work out options and contingencies. You should do this immediately and relentlessly if your department will be held solely accountable for results and outcomes.
• Be unafraid to raise questions or confront delicate issues. Solutions often fail when touchy issues are left unconsidered. (Embarrassment is uncomfortable but remember that discomfort is temporary. And if you don't have a dog in the fight, don't play devil's advocate just to polish your own apple; you'll just come off looking like an ass).
• Give and ask for concrete details: "If this, then what happens next? What should happen next?" A college professor once advised, "When you deliver a job to the next person in the production chain, explain it from their point of view, and do it explicitly. Pretend the other person's an imbecile, even when you know they're not. Be specific and clear so there's no room for unasked questions or easy assumptions."
In other words, be prepared to unleash "brutally honest," because assumptions aren't solid.
Bottom line? ASSUME can make an ASS out of U and ME.
No, of course not: none of us are universally one unyielding level of conduct in every aspect of our lives. I think this would be a pretty rigid, unresourceful personality. And there are different levels to the truth people seek in their lives, and varying levels of presumption and ethical action in how we choose to respond.
Pretty little white lies
It's easy to tell social white lies: we're not real stakeholders, the other person wants to keep feeling good about an innocuous private decision, and no real harm is done. In fact, greater harm might be done by giving an unvarnished truth ("Your new dress is a terrible mistake")....Social white lies abound: the friend in the awful dress may not really be asking for my opinion; maybe she just wants me to join her in feeling good.
But what if she's a friend and a colleague, about to represent our interests in pitching a critical new account? or she's about to head into a job interview for a position she really wants?
Ersatz vs. authentic kindness
Most humans are well-intentioned; most want to be kind. But throughout my life, I noticed there are people who feel obligated to be kind, or who are only kind when it's easy to be kind — they may in fact garner some pretty good personal PR. Just as there are social white lies, there's a shallow social sort of kindness that people enact out of short-lived good intentions or a fuzzy sense of moral obligation. While it's true "it takes nothing to be kind," the illuminating, life-changing kindnesses I've experienced in my life have come from individuals who took huge risks by giving me an unvarnished truth, not because it pumped their egos to deliver it, but because I needed more info, another way of looking at things, or, more drastically, to keep me from a terrible mistake. And I've found the authentically graceful people of the world are those who go uncredited — who are kind when no one else is looking, and no one else will know the grace they've bestowed on the rest of us.
The unvarnished truth for everyday moral dilemmas
I had to take a "co-parenting seminar" when I filed for divorce, and the one great take-away was this: "You will face many difficulties and dilemmas as a parent, where you won't know what to do. Any decision you make in the best interests of your child will have been the right decision." Somehow that unvarnished truth held me steady for 20 years, especially when my own pride and ego threatened to get in the way.
So when people in my classes talk about the small but troubling moral dilemmas they face at work, where there's more gray area than not, where matters of ego and turf cloud good judgment, I tell them, "You have to form a clear picture of what's going on, get advisory you trust, size up the risk, and do what's best for your organization. No one can misconstrue your motives if you can explain how your actions are in the best interest of the organization." For those who serve as agents and consultants, this means the wellbeing and best interests of your client's organization, if they're at the heart of the matter.
What "ASSUME" can mean
Insecure leaders usually gravitate towards yes-men and sycophants; we all know this. Human nature. Happens all the time. At a point in our socio-political history where good leaders are harder than ever to find, each of us can be a leader by being unafraid of reality. Especially in times of organizational crisis, where gray areas abound, and noisy scrambling egos threaten to muddy good judgment, be prepared to take a calculated risk. Don't be afraid to confront half-baked good ideas or outright poppycock.
• Gently but firmly challenge points of unclear thinking, where you feel solutions have not been thought through. Ask for "groupthink" to work out options and contingencies. You should do this immediately and relentlessly if your department will be held solely accountable for results and outcomes.
• Be unafraid to raise questions or confront delicate issues. Solutions often fail when touchy issues are left unconsidered. (Embarrassment is uncomfortable but remember that discomfort is temporary. And if you don't have a dog in the fight, don't play devil's advocate just to polish your own apple; you'll just come off looking like an ass).
• Give and ask for concrete details: "If this, then what happens next? What should happen next?" A college professor once advised, "When you deliver a job to the next person in the production chain, explain it from their point of view, and do it explicitly. Pretend the other person's an imbecile, even when you know they're not. Be specific and clear so there's no room for unasked questions or easy assumptions."
In other words, be prepared to unleash "brutally honest," because assumptions aren't solid.
Bottom line? ASSUME can make an ASS out of U and ME.
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