I deliver a class on (workplace) civility and we talk a lot about cultural influences behind the incivilities we experience today. Reality TV shows, for example, are loosely scripted around escalating conflicts.
The rudeness people experience on social media is an odd phenom: everyone agrees it's deplorable, but nobody's responsible for those acts of incivility. I've concluded we each have evil twins running around, indulging in low-brow conduct.
Anyway, here's a rundown of what I'm talking about:
• Willfully misunderstanding the other person to position them in the wrong (and to put yourself in the right). If you don't understand their point, ask for clarification.
• Willfully (mis)characterizing the other person's motives. Before you make an accusation of their moral or intellectual inferiority, get an accurate picture of their motives first — from them.
• Name calling, insulting, baiting, goading, profanity, sarcasm. If you normally wouldn't say it face-to-face, then best not to launch the salvos from behind the medium. Remember that their loved ones may be following the thread. I've had to keep my 20something daughter from entering the fray when she felt I was being unfairly attacked.
• "If you don't think the same way I do, you must be evil/moronic." Well, let the witch hunts begin.... Your moral indignation and their public shaming will not reverse any opinions. About the only thing that changes attitude and value judgment is careful listening: if you listen, you'll have earned your right to be listened to.
• Discounting someone else's personal experience as irrelevant or petty. Personal experiences lead us to our most closely held opinions! The more profound the experience, the more deeply set the opinion will be. (As a single mother, I might disagree with notions that "single mothers are tearing apart the fabric of society.")
• Understand that you can't fix the world's problems on social media, you can only try to understand the issues better via access to assorted viewpoints. At best, agree to disagree (so many of my Facebook threads have ended this way).
• If you post the topic, you're the host or "curator." It's the equivalent of having friends, acquaintances, and colleagues in your living room. Do you favor only the ones with whom you agree? Are you going to stand by, grinning, while others "gang up" on an individual? You need to be sure everyone behaves to your terms of conduct. You need to have terms of conduct.
• Always end the discussion as positively as possible. Wish everyone a good evening. Thank them for bringing their viewpoints to the table. Remember their spouses and families. It may be a cranky, begrudging finish, but try to leave it as friendly as possible. If you're a "guest" leaving the thread, thank the "host" for posing the discussion.
Engaging in debates, arguments, and discussions is not the problem. The problem is the way people choose to behave once emotions run high. This country was built on public discourse, even when volatile and polarized, but social media has provided us a screen to hide behind. And I don't mean to be holier-than-thou, because I remind myself of these points each and every day, and I don't often measure up. #dietrying
About the illustration: Pawel Kuczynski, a Polish artist, has worked in satirical illustration specialising in thought-provoking images that make his audience question their everyday lives. His subjects deal with everything from poverty to social media and politics.
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