Top 10 reasons why listening matters to human beings

10.

Careful listening saves people and organizations from making mistakes,
committing embarrassments, creating needless conflict, and
becoming encumbered by destructive barriers.

9.

The commitment to listening fosters learning.

8.

It encourages others to listen to us.
Human beings often need to be heard before they can hear. By listening, you earn your right to be listened to. We can actually help others become better listeners by modeling the behaviors ourselves.

7.

 Listeners have more power and impact on others than most people realize.

Good listeners have advantages.

6.

By listening, you’re not merely taking in data and info, but also bearing witness to another’s expression or interpretation.

5.

Being listened to fortifies our sense of self, clarifies our thinking,
helps us discover how we feel, and nourishes our sense of self-worth.

(Not being heard, never being listened to, saps our vitality     and enthusiasm for life.)

4.

Becoming a good listener gives us the power to foster positive change and

to transform relationships.

3.

Credibility is more important than slickness or glibness.
The best talkers are often not the best listeners.

2.

The best listeners often make the best leaders/managers.

The best conversationalists are often the best listeners.

And the Number 1 Reason...

The quality of listening in our lives—how well we listen, how well we’re listened to—shapes choice and character, in both the speaker and the listener.
Ultimately, it has the power to shape our quality of life.

Next week: How do good listeners gain advantages?

Why the Netflix Price Increase Even Rates as News

It's easy to see why Netflix has been a best-loved service: their price is good, they pick up on your preferences and try to customize choice lists, and (when my kid experienced a DVD delivery mishap) they're quick to respond and remedy. They were "reasonable" in every positive sense of the word.

That was 24 hours ago. Right now, Netflix's blog has capped out at 5,000 irate customer comments in response to their 7/13/11 price change. Their Facebook page has roughly 1,000 "likes" and over 50,000 irate customer comments ranging from "Cancelled" and "U Suck" to "How dare you treat your loyal customers this way; we helped you build your business."

"It's only entertainment," you might say. This is true. But it's really a story about relationship.

Consider the context in which Netflix made this change:

• The recession. Enough said.

• A general confounded public frustration with politics, especially as party leaders and Obama try to negotiate on the debt ceiling with — so far — a profound lack of progress. With this change, Netflix just joined the ranks of those inchoate external forces who, in perception if not reality, is making life harder for the consumer. Perception becomes reality.

• The state of Minnesota is in shutdown, months after the same thing nearly happened to the entire nation. Just when we thought we'd narrowly skirted that disaster, Minnesota's plight reminds us it's entirely possible still, especially as debt ceiling talks stumble on.

At the very least, instead of sending out stoic messages explaining a far more complicated price increase, Netflix could've tried to look pained at even having to make the change at all ("We know this will hurt but here's why we too have felt the economic times in which we all live"). If it's going to pain your customers, it had better pain you twice as much. And if it doesn't, at least try to fake it. Bring them on board as sympathetic partners.

In the end, this 60% increase is still less than $20/month, but Netflix forgot a few things:

• In a recession, people not only invest loyalties in but maintain affection for organizations that provide flexible, understanding solutions. Customers deserted Blockbuster and went to Netflix in droves, in part because of the recession's pinch, but also because Blockbuster's policies felt punitive by comparison.

• Movie escapism got Americans through the Depression; all we did was change technology and modality, but the emotional reasons are still the same.

• In a recession, people will keep searching for alternatives. If they find you objectionable, they'll settle for "good enough," rather than maintain a relationship in which they feel badly betrayed. Real or perceived, Netflix is coming off as motivated by simple corporate greed, and after years of corporate calamities like the BP oil crisis, the Fannie Mae debacle, bank failures, company bailouts, and stories of happily overpaid CEOs, the U. S. public is sick and tired of corporate and legislator greed.

Netflix wore the white hat — until now: No matter how well-justified this new plan, they were asking for a 60% rate increase. It doesn't matter if you're shining shoes or providing electricity: a 60% increase is going to raise comments, and those are only the customers who feel like speaking up. Only 20% usually do; the rest simply change, walk away mad, and talk bad about you behind your back, not to your face (partly why I repeat this credo to my clients — "a complaint is a gift") ...

Potential Netflix customers will be asking colleagues, neighbors, fishing buddies: "So, Joe, you were with Netflix. Did you like them? You don't? What are you doing instead?"

The fact is, with this debacle, all the negative reporting on Netflix's poorly handled price increase has given free and positive word-of-mouth to their competitors, at their cost.

The Dignity Domino

Security expert Gavin De Becker first introduced this term in his 1997 book, The Gift of Fear, urging employers to “prop up with courtesy and understanding” that bit of personal dignity in each employee, especially ones facing termination.

           

Young, broke, and eager to master his writing, John Steinbeck considered his options with a teacher’s advice to live in Europe: “Over there poverty is considered a misfortune. Here in America it’s considered shameful.”

Through no fault of our own, this recession has put a great many of us into a valley of shame—lengthy unemployment, debt, collections, notice of insufficient funds, foreclosure—all the scary harbingers of personal ruin.

            As this economy slowly turns around, more and more I get called to speak on matters involving workplace civility and dealing effectively with difficult customers. No surprise. As pressures mount, people are finding it harder to maintain calm, patience, and understanding; they’re knotted up with fear—fear of foreclosure, fear of collections, fear of losing their jobs.

            There’s nothing revolutionary about providing superior customer service during a slow economic recovery. It’s simple.

            Protect your customer’s dignity domino.

            Don’t embarrass the customer in front of others.

            No matter how sacred your policies are, don’t embarrass the customer in front of their own children (or employees). Recall the grocery scene from the old movie, “Terms of Endearment,” when a rude checkout clerk yells across the store, “She doesn’t have enough money!” — much to a young mother’s humiliation and to her children’s mortification.

            Emphasize that you’re aiming for a long-term relationship. How would you feel about remaining loyal to someone who throws you overboard at the first sign of trouble?

Don’t let your competitors beat you to it, in simply being kinder and more understanding to your customers. As a recent car commercial said, “This isn’t over for any of us until it’s over for all of us.” Until it ends, we’ll need to help each other, especially if we want to count on customer loyalties when households start to experience “disposable income.” They may condemn ruined buildings but the human spirit is strong, and people always, always, always remember how they were treated. 

Controlling Creative (Part 3 of 3)

I’m frequently asked, “How can you keep people from stealing your ideas?”

Answer: I can’t. In fact, I don’t even try, figuring that creativity and originality are muscles—what doesn’t get regularly used (by the habitual plagiarist) will become flaccid over time, but you can’t let those negatives keep you from striving to be creative and original, or from producing your ideas.

This is the last of three client examples that come to mind when talking about controlling creative.

Finally, there was Rich Chey, an Atlanta restaurant entrepeneur who wanted to start a chain of noodle shops where diners could choose from diverse mix of noodle and rice dishes from differing parts of Asia, with wait staff that could advise them fluently on the way each dish was prepared.

I’d already done a logo for him—Highland Bagel, formerly in Virginia-Highland—and was impressed by his blend of openness and practicality. It did not surprise me to learn he had an MBA from Wharton, where relational skills are a premium.

Once I was on his team, he trusted me, showed me his business plan, walked me around the restaurant site so I’d experience it as future patrons would, welcomed me into his home where he and I studied colors from Chinese watercolor scrolls so I could get a sense of his druthers, while my daughter, then a little kid, played catch with his wife. 

And here’s the thing about Rich: when I was developing the Doc Chey’s Noodle House logo, he never had me sign a non-disclosure form (it’s automatic with me and my clients that I work non-disclosure anyway). He gave me notes on each idea, but he never micro-managed me. Years later, whenever he staged a mock service to test new menu ideas, he’d invite me as part of the Doc Chey community.

It did not surprise me that Doc Chey’s had community dining tables, participated in charity events; that they welcomed walk-up, dressed-down patrons from the neighborhood, whose small children are always kindly accommodated; or when he and his partner came up with the additional “Peace/Love/Noodles” idea for the T-shirts.

And he always referred to the final logo as our logo.

Controlling Creative (Part 2 of 3)

I’m frequently asked, “How can you keep people from stealing your ideas?”

Answer: I can’t. In fact, I don’t even try, figuring that creativity and originality are muscles—what doesn’t get regularly used (by the habitual plagiarist) will become flaccid over time, but you can’t let those negatives keep you from striving to be creative and original, or from producing your ideas.

This is the second of three client examples come to mind when talking about controlling creative.

Donna, the self-made home decorating expert, had contrived an elaborate kit for helping  homemakers come up with just the right palette, textiles, and tschotkes for each room of their homes. I didn’t want to do this job—from the first I sensed something was wrong or, at least, not positive—but she worked in a client’s office and it would’ve been churlish to refuse her.

From the outset she was paranoid that this idea would be stolen, so rather than show me any business or marketing plans, she preferred to feed me discrete portions of the project and to micro-manage me, much as the CIA may handle a new operative of whom they’re not entirely sure.

At the end of the project she had me sign a complex disclaimer form, basically pledging to never try and steal her ideas, or to reveal any of it to others. I felt tempted to make jokes about how my entire life had waited for this brass ring, this home-decorating kit, but feared she’d take them seriously.

Not surprisingly, the kit never took off and I suspect it’s because to put something on the market, you have to be public about it, not guard it like the formula to Coca-Cola.

Controlling Creative (Part 1 of 3)

I’m frequently asked, “How do you keep people from stealing your ideas?”

Answer: I can’t. In fact, I don’t even try, figuring that creativity and originality are muscles—what doesn’t get regularly used (by the habitual plagiarist) will become flaccid over time, but you can’t let those negatives keep you from striving to be creative and original, or from producing your ideas.

Three client examples come to mind when talking about controlling creative.

Example 1: Troy wanted me to rip off—there’s no other way to put it—the Nike line, changing it to “Just do I. T.” The local VP of an international software firm, he figured any ensuing U. S. controversy would be excellent free advertising.

I said, “Troy, I’d like to continue working in my profession long after your time’s up at the minimum-security white-collar prison where they’ll be sending you for copyright violation.”

“So you’re not going to do this?” he asked.

“Not a chance in hell,” I said tactfully.

In Defense of Millennials

Even very recently, the elders could say [to the youths]: “You know, I have been young and you never have been old.” But today’s young people can reply: “You never have been young in the world I am young in, and you never can be.” . . . This break between generations is wholly new: it is planetary and universal.

— Margaret Mead

The myth: Millennials are materialistically brand-conscious.

Yeah, well, who made them aware of brands but their brand-loyal Boomer parents who were coming of age as consumers in the early 80s when designer jeans and labels were retail game-changers? And so what if this is true? Millennials were cultivated from a young age to recognize brands and to stay loyal to those companies that stand behind their products. Brand names also provide social code for peer recognition, and this is a generation that grew up on divorced parents and blended families. Identifying and having one's own tribe outside the family home is important to these folks.

The myth: Millennials aren't very driven or hardworking.

Wrong again. They simply approach work differently, often without a lot of fanfare. They don't just go to libraries; they research online. Laptop keyboards don't make as much noise as Smith-Corona typewriters. During my daughter's adolescence I learned that she did indeed get lots of work done but I just wouldn't see most of it being done. Millennial brains are wired for complexity and they have rich internal lives of imagination and creativity. If Boomers lived in an external world of social change and civil rights upheaval, Millennials live in a digital world with a virtual wire to their brains—downloading music, surfing the Web for viral videos (which they then post on Facebook), social networking, online group events, digital communications, and digital learning. They're not merely consumers, these guys want to create! so anyone who offers them a rich, multi-media Web site experience with lots of interactivity is going to win them over (hello, institutions of higher learning; not just The Gap).

The myth: Millennials are spoiled with entitled attitudes. They expect to be rich, successful, and powerful before they're 30. (And its geezer corollary: In my day, we worked the grunt jobs and were grateful to have them!...We paid our dues, dammit).

But wouldn't you have this expectation as well, if the big hitters of your generation were Mark Zuckerberg (born 1984) and the two guys who invented YouTube (Chad Hurley and Steve Chen, both born in the late 70s)? Millennials have been shown the road to epic success at an early age, and it didn't necessarily involve a band (such as what inspired Boomers). Instead they could conceive of creating a killer app, selling it to Google for millions, and thus become a social networking legend by age 40, like that "old guy" Joi Ito (born 1966).

A final myth: Millennials care only about themselves. They won't volunteer for the environment, for civil rights, or for socio-political change.

Think again. It's just a difference in style and approach. Maybe their Boomer parents protested at peace rallies, handed out pro-choice flyers, and stuck flowers into the barrels of National Guard rifles. Millennials are seeking social solutions that will also work as a lifestyle—ie, do good and get paid for it; don't just volunteer once a week for it, make a life out of it. One example of this is Blake Mycoskie (born in the late 70s) who calls himself CEO and Chief Shoe Giver of TOMS Shoes, which he started on the premise that for every pair the consumer purchases, one pair will be given to a child growing up barefoot in places like the mean streets of Argentina.

Are there slacker Millennials? Of course: after all, there were bogus Boomers who rode the zeitgeist for self-gain (most egregiously, Charlie Manson, who is 81, or Ira Einhorn, 71). But just as Millennials detest traditional media experiences, they're also creating their lives—and refashioning our world—through means we don't yet recognize. But that doesn't mean it's poorly conceived or ill-fated.

Do you really care if your CEO arrives by Rolls Royce or skateboard?

When Bob Dylan Turned 70: From Boomers to Gen Y

Recently I've been doing research on the best media mixes for generational marketing so it felt especially poignant when it was reported on May 24 that Bob Dylan turned 70. At 69, Paul Simon is not far behind. Joan Baez turned 70 last winter, with Crosy, Stills, Nash and Young each preparing to pass from 60somethings through the golden arches to 70. 

I wonder if Bob Dylan's 70 was a sobering—if not scary—moment for most Boomers. The first wave of Boomers is scheduled to hit 65 this year. Had she lived, Janis Joplin would've been 68 last January.

This is the generation who continues to believe they're cool, into uniquely cool things, and that most messaging is either about them or for them. Seeing Dylan turn 70 couldn't have been easy, because mathematical logic then dictates we're really in our 50s and 60s. The generation that grew up crying, "Make a difference! Change the world! Imagine the possibilities!" now also says "Make the doctor's appointment! Change the progressives! Imagine cortisone shots to ease the pain!"—so, no surprise demographers and marketers believe Boomers will transform the concept of "old age."

Boomers' children are the Gen Y lot—the Millennials, or anyone born 1982 to 2000. Reportedly, these kids are problematic, characterized as spoiled, not very motivated or hardworking, with big entitlement issues for their own lives (eg, CEO's office by age 32, making millions, with luxury cars and killer toys).

I think they're transforming all our concepts about work.

Consequently, I also think they've been given a bad paint job, probably by bitterly resentful Boomers who took a superficial read on these kids. If the Boomer question for life had been "Is it meaningful?" most Millennials tend to ask "Is it fun?" This can make them seem supercilious, until you examine their particular meaning of "fun."

Next week: In defense of Millennials

Qualities of a Good Project Manager (PM)

For many salespeople, the selling cycle doesn't stop once the purchase order is issued. Salespeople must then shepherd the project forward to completion. Projects that go well strengthen relationships with customers and lead to future sales. Projects that bump along from start to finish cause the customer to question your expertise and their decision to buy. To please the client, what does it take?

• Know how to set expectations, understand quality standards, and how quality is achieved. (This also means you understand “quality does not equal perfection”).

• You must be knowledgeable about the skills and capabilities of others in the production process so that work is appropriately delegated (square pegs to square holes). A good PM understands he’s working with professionals (not children or criminals) and that production process parts are interdependent.

• Be fearless about asking questions, and persist in hammering out process and alternative process details, especially when tensions are running high, and people are impatient to leave the discussion, or to gloss over details in their effort to escape unpleasantness.

• Be prepared to handle contingencies — “if this happens, then we’ll do that” — always holding Plan B (C, D, or E) in readiness.

• Clients love organized and efficient salespeople who pride themselves on maintaining those skills and habits. By nature of the job, a salesperson/project manager has to be more organized than anyone else because he/she maintains overview on all jobs, and thus all details—especially those emphasized by the client.

• Strong project management depends upon excellent analytical skills—skilled at deconstructing project concepts to block out production needs, good with details, vigilant with evolving expenses, and the professional maturity to understand that every detail has an attached cost within your company.

            

What Does It Take? (Part 2)

There’s no real secret formula to life but here are qualities I’ve observed in others I consider successful, as professionals and as human beings.

Practicing trust and humor is a good way to boost personal courage, especially during stressful episodes. Trust means readily showing others proof of your intent, your motives. Even saying “I’m still not sure what I want from the situation” is better than nothing.

Humor loosens up tense muscles, enables rapid learning, and makes it fun to collaborate over the most difficult tasks and situations.

Most of us practice the wrong sort of humor, however; rather than being situational, humor is used to poke fun at someone else. But charming people know the most engaging humor is self-deprecating. For example, have you ever noticed that very arrogant people have a weak sense of humor?

Be kind. This can be hard, especially if you work in a place where a good day is one long defensive play. But if you think a colleague really has it out for you, wait for a pattern to develop before you stage a pre-emptive strike against them. If you receive credit but know it was wholly a team effort, don’t be a credit hog: share it.

If you listen more than you speak, you’re probably doing a lot of things right.

Kindness is too often confused with permissiveness. To be kind is not to be soft and yielding, but — in tough situations — to be disciplined in communicating difficult concepts so that we don’t take down the other person’s dignity at the same time.

I knew a guy once who was brilliant—articulate, ambitious, driven. He aspired to be, and was, “first in everything,” winning industry award after award—until I heard his assistant mutter behind me, scoffing, “First in everything? Last in people’s hearts.”

What Does It Take?

I’m always telling myself to have courage, to be stronger today than I was yesterday, not because anything bad is happening, but because the present can be so beguiling, so quiet and flat and innocent. And yet tomorrow begins today. I don’t want to cope with life by becoming an unconscious person who destroys things and moves on heedlessly.

I wrote that as my status post on Facebook a couple weeks ago, then was surprised by the reaction it got: friends “stole” it for their own status posts and later their friends reposted it as well.

But why?

Life requires courage—not always the adrenaline-pumping sort where you rush into a burning building to save a client’s project, but the extra nudges it takes to face the phone yet again (cold calling), to sort through complex questions (client may be unhappy), and to build solutions at work (too many deadlines looming), often with people you may not even like working with, who may whine and bellyache every step of the way.

Tomorrow does start today. A history buff, I like considering the influences of the past on our lives today, but to get things done—to be productive—we have to appreciate how actions today set up results tomorrow. If you don’t cold call today, it’ll be even harder to start tomorrow—and tomorrow may be when you need the new revenue. Got a problem with a colleague? Talk bad about them behind their back? Tomorrow you may have to account for yourself. Be ready.

The point to life is to become a more conscious person, to outgrow narcissism, to realize we may rationalize well, but in the end a hurtful action here and now will have a painful reaction there and later, even if the one you hurt is too proud or savvy to show how they’ve been damaged. There’s no getting around it: if you live and work heedless of anyone’s interests but your own, sooner or later you’ll have to understand what you did, and it could be a very difficult reckoning.

Next week: OK, so what?

When Trust Has Been Broken

Every human relationship involves an emotional contract. It may be formal, a trigger for work, such as signing a non-disclosure agreement with an employer. Or it may be a deeply complex pledge that’s formal, legal, moral, and spiritual — vows of marriage are, perhaps, the most common of these, and, very likely, the ones most frequently broken. But for this blog, we’re talking only about workplace betrayals.

A breach or betrayal of trust has an immediate effect: it confuses and disorients the one who’s been betrayed. It’s a negative game-changer. Suddenly every aspect of the relationship has to be reviewed: what has the past really meant? What were the more recent signs, and did they all point to trouble? Was there any deception and has it been of long standing? Does this relationship have any future? Can the betrayer ever be trusted again?

Immediately after this distress, there’s the need for justice. Scales must be rebalanced. Equilibrium must be regained. In the process, don’t be surprised to find the entire relationship being re-evaluated for its overall value.

So what do you do if you’re the one who’s been betrayed?

• Take your mind off revenge, because that’s not justice or equilibrium. Fortunately, work involves tangible deliverables, so focus on keeping yourself professionally intact and above reproach. No matter how badly you’ve been burned, deliver on your commitments. “Being the adult” will only inspire more respect and trust for you. You’ll recover equilibrium faster this way than focusing on how to get even.

• Confront the betrayer and ask for a candid assessment of what happened, and what needs to happen, going forward. I don’t mean a knock-down-drag-out confrontation. I mean a rational, dignified inquiry into their motives which, if they’re legit, should not be difficult to discuss openly. It could, after all, have been a misunderstanding or misstep. If you tend to be indirect, this would now be a time to not mince words. Don’t pussyfoot around. “As I see it, this is what was done to me and here are some of the consequences I’ve had to deal with as a result. I need to know why you did this and what I can expect from you in future.”

•  Let it go. You may not get what you want from that discussion. Chronic betrayers act from cowardly impulses—they act badly, then can’t own up to it, so they often pretend it was a honest mistake, or that you simply got it wrong. Let it go. The strain of carrying the grudge or memory will only deter you, not your betrayer.

Relationships can come out stronger for having navigated crises of trust. The air gets cleared, the exact measures of loyalty and respect are renewed, and life moves on.

If you imagine your life as a series of concentric circles, you’ll see that the individuals you trust and respect most occupy the innermost circle closest to you. The upside to betrayal is that you get instant, crystal-clear insights on that other person—details you may not have had cause to perceive. But with the betrayal, they’ve proven themselves to be unworthy of your trust, so it’s entirely fair to remove them from that inner circle. If they want to regain it, leave it up to them to choose when and how they’ll do so.

You keep moving forward.

Trust: Building Relationships Versus Claiming Rights to Them

Last week I mentioned “karmic panhandlers,” those people who hope to benefit from large concepts of trust and respect without proving themselves worthy of such investment.

A few years ago I was approached by a mother from my kid's school. She said she'd worked for years in marketing and, as they were newly relocated, asked if she could have lunch with me about freelance work prospects here in town. Long story short, what began as a professionally extended invitation boiled down to this:

Me:             “So have you tried cold-calling prospects here?”

She:             “No.”

Me:             “Have you tried interviewing with the big companies in town?”

She:             (shifting uncomfortably) “No.”

Me:             “What is it you'd like me to help you with?”

She:             “I just thought, maybe, if you had some accounts you needed help with...or, um, clients you

wanted to offload....”

I can't recall the last time—before or since—that someone had the gall or naivete to ask me to just hand over some clients. A more professional response from her would’ve been along the lines of, “I was wondering if we could consider partnering up to go after opportunities we might not otherwise get on our own.” It would imply a willingness to work, to share risks and skills-building, and to take the time to build a collaboration.

Instead, when I demurred, she got into some remarks about how, as professional working moms, we automatically belonged to a network of mutual respect and support (ie, you owe me your help). She struck me as wrongheaded—far more aware of the standards to which she held other people than herself. And I didn’t understand the resistance to cold calling. As awful as cold calling seems, it is actually the initiation of new relationships. It seems less horrible when you regard it that way.

Trust is no different than loyalty or credibility—it has to be built and earned. It may have a stated value (“Seriously, you can trust me”) but the real proof is in how each individual takes action. They have to demonstrate they know how to help themselves. They have to know how to initiate, versus relying on others to do that for them. (And it helps to know how to follow up, because how do you learn to trust someone who never follows up with you, or does so in a spotty way?)

Women Who Don’t Help Other Women

 I’m going to start this series with the ticklish issue of trust between women, because it’s the one area where, when we’re good, we’re very, very good; but when we’re bad, we really let ourselves down in big, symbolic ways. My daughter’s generation nailed it when they coined words and phrases like “frenemies,”  “mean girls,” or “Queen Bees and wannabes.” This proliferates the workplace where adult women often find themselves confounded by rivalries and conflicts, and feeling ill-equipped to deal with them.

Madeline Albright said, famously, ”There's a special place in Hell reserved for women who don't help other women.” And trust is the foundation of any helping process.

  

I've given—and received—enough help to know the transformative power it has over us. On the downside, over the years I've been approached by working women who’d “talked bad” about my work or services behind my back but, upon going freelance themselves, felt no qualms about inviting themselves into my network. This I’ve found intriguing because when it comes to trust, it helps if the individual realizes any networking relationship is part of a longer-term, two-way street.

So here are my (post-feminist) concerns:

• Why wouldn't you help anyone who asked for it, male or female? Are we to suspend all critical thinking on the basis of gender only? Is a woman more entitled to my help than a man?

• Would you withhold help from a qualified male in preference for a less qualified female? And by doing that, are we then not perpetuating the very behavior we deplore in “the old boys' network”?

• Finally, the karmic panhandlers. These are the folks who have no problems reaping the benefits of trust, but they haven't earned the right to our unquestioning support. Next week I’ll talk some more about this, especially in light of concepts that suggest some of us are entitled to automatic dollops of trust from others.

Trust and Psychological Safety

Last year Linda Bishop (www.thoughtransformation.com) and I presented a webinar series on relationship-building strategies. Figuring prominently in this was the notion of trust—the sense of psychological safety essential to fostering strong, durable bonds, and highly productive collaborations.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be discussing trust.

Trust is an instinctual response. Policemen often refer to a gut-level reaction that sends up red flags when they sense—they just know—a suspect is lying. Something just doesn’t feel right (“hinky”). A cop’s professional skepticism and wariness would be a finely tuned radar; unlike the rest of us, they’re trained to not trust so readily.

No wonder: according to strategy + business, “…People start trusting someone before they even realize it. To some degree, at least, the placing of trust is not the result of a deliberate assessment, the researchers say, but of subconscious cues.”

Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff used this quite brazenly: by dropping famous names, he created an illusion of trustworthiness for his investors. (“Hey, if Spielberg’s investing with him, he must be good!”)

But what makes trust real and solid, and when is it bogus? What happens when trust is broken? How do you restore it? How can we tell if someone’s trustworthy or not?

In my work life, I’ve worked with people who were trustworthy to varying degrees. I’ve worked hard to make myself worthy of my clients’ trust and confidence. So I know this to be true: without trust, the world becomes a dark place, the simplest actions fraught with tension. With trust, you can get just about everything done, and have fun too, because relationships come out stronger at the end of every collaboration.

1,000 Paper Cranes for Japan

I’m convinced that people who feel like they don’t belong can become human bridges to enhance insight and understanding. The following interview with a Georgia public school teacher, Kyung Shin, discusses how she and her students responded to recent events in Japan. As a result of their 1,000 Paper Cranes for Japan campaign, over $1,000 was raised for Japan’s relief efforts. Sure, some of you could’ve written a check for as much, but this was a process of learning for the students—and for their teacher, one of forgiveness and reconciliation.

Why 1,000 paper cranes? In Japanese folklore, if you fold a thousand paper cranes, whatever you wish will come true.

Natural disasters happen frequently around the world. Can you talk about why Japan's tsunami-and-earthquake in particular resonated with you?

I had lived in Japan as a child (before moving to the United States at age 10).  I am Korean by heritage but still identify with Japanese culture, and I can speak the language. My dad and his wife currently reside in Tokyo. Most of my maternal relatives also live in Japan, primarily in the Kobe/Osaka region. 

I struggled with my identity as a Korean growing up in Japan, because my childhood wasn’t always so easy. (In 1910, Japan annexed Korea and many Koreans were brought over to Japan for forced labor. As a result, Koreans are still not accepted as equal citizens of Japan). As an adult, I have hurtful memories of discrimination and prejudice. 

Maybe this was a personal act of reconciliation: the tsunami/earthquake disaster opened my heart towards the Japanese.  I saw how desperately they need help, and realized that because I have this background of having been born and raised in Japan, I can act as an intermediary between the people here and those in Japan. So I acted on my conviction, compassion, and also heart for the Japanese, and launched the 1,000 Paper Cranes for Japan campaign at my school. 

What have you learned as a result of this effort?

Early in our campaign I did not believe my students could actually fold all 1,000 cranes because origami is not so easy for elementary students—but lo and behold, we did it! 

I think we made our goal because the children were motivated and very invested in this project, to help and to be compassionate. They understood why we were folding the cranes for Japan. We all learned a lesson of giving and compassion.  I’m humbled by the students’ response since many of our students come from communities in need of help themselves. 

What do you want others to know about 1,000 Paper Cranes for Japan?

We can make a difference, no matter how small our efforts may appear in the big scheme of things. We can influence and encourage others to do the same.  Also, for me personally, as we help others heal from their tragedies, we receive healing in return.

Your father flew out of Tokyo shortly before the tsunami and earthquake, then returned a week later to help his community. How’s he doing? What does he say about the situation?

My father is doing well, thanks. He says that the constant aftershocks leave him edgy and anxious but overall, life is normal (at least in Tokyo). Like everyone else in Japan, he is worried about the radiation. My dad is the pastor of a small congregation right outside of Tokyo and he and his wife are reaching out to the community with words of encouragement through the Gospel. He feels that this is what he could do best as a pastor, to love his community and bless them.

The Best Crisis Handling Solution is Prevention

Every organization will face a crisis at least once every three to five years. Its cause may be internal (lapsed judgment), or external (natural forces), but the best way to handle a crisis is to first anticipate it as fully as possible.

A naïve, passive, or myopic organizational culture will believe nothing bad can happen to it, because so far nothing has. Many organizations simply regard preventive measures with distaste, as if envisioning calamity is equal to inviting it.

But then look at what happened with the BP oil crisis. One of the dismaying aspects was public realization that BP had no “Plan B.” As oil gushed like blood from a wound, it became clear nobody at BP really knew how to respond, and that fueled public disgust with BP’s leadership. We need and expect leadership to know what to do when things hit the fan—but even more, to know how to anticipate and prevent such things from occurring.

The point of crisis handling is prevention, not to ask, “What could possibly happen?” but rather “What would be the consequences to this organization and its constituents if the worst possible thing did happen?”

For starters, posing a question like that gets brains at the table thinking about what those worst-case scenarios might even be. And from there you can block out crisis preparedness plans, and their corresponding messages to the public.

To avoid that analysis on the superstition that it would only invite trouble is . . . well, foolish, to say the least, and the last thing you want is to have your customers assume the role of warning alarms.

Post-incident, as company spokespeople waited on lawyers to vet hastily constructed messaging from PR professionals, plenty of customers have stood in front of TV mikes telling the public, “I warned them over and over again, it was a disaster waiting to happen!”

The Leader as “People Person”

Stadion CEO Tim Chapman advises young people entering the investment management business with this: “Remember there are people and stories behind those accounts. I’ve never had a client talk to me in [the language of the stock market]. What they do say is ‘I want to be able to retire...to educate my kids...’ so be a good people person.”

L for listening.

Without question, the best leaders are skilled listeners. Period.

E for engaging.

The writer Antoine St. Exupery said a leader could tell his people how to build boats, or teach them to love the sea. If the latter happens, those who follow will quickly—eagerly—learn everything they can about building boats, and they’ll learn a great deal about the sea as well. Managers engage their people at one level, for process improvement; leaders engage at another—for the longer view, the bigger picture, the enticing vision of what could be. Also, successful leaders are good at enhancing their customer’s vision of possibilities.

A for accountability.

People in formal roles of leadership can get away with a lot: the media is filled with stories of leaders who’ve helped themselves to company coffers, or we’ve worked for bosses who admonish employees for being slack or tardy while maintaining freewheeling work habits themselves. Bottom line: As a leader, you must be accountable in the same ways you’re holding your people accountable; and when it comes to customers, you must be consistent and disciplined in how you hold yourself accountable.

D for discretion.

I’ve talked with leaders who have no qualms about discussing their employees’ private lives and struggles. Some do this with compassion, in understanding the bigger picture of an individual’s life. Others trade in the currency of idle gossip. Gossip is natural—merely the way people connect to one another, especially in the workplace—but a leader who constantly dabbles in it is gambling with his authority. For a customer to know you’re into petty gossip triggers serious qualms about your professionalism.

E (again) for ego.

It’s natural for leaders to have large passions, but the successful ones balance their egos with constant self-reflection. They also surround themselves with loved ones who keep them grounded and help them through the most painful moments of self-reckoning. When it comes to customers, skilled leaders are, at their core, humble—not as a way of “sucking up,” but because they know their livelihoods would not exist otherwise.

R for reality-checking.

Leaders who surround themselves with sycophants and “yes men” are blocking off streams of crucial information. If informal advisors are driving away formal ones, if the ones in agreement with you are outnumbering those who maintain critical thinking positions, then you may have a problem on your hands, particularly if your advisors are blocking you from authentic customer insights (complaints). Surround yourself with people who aren’t afraid to tell you the truth as they see it. Deal real.

How Does a Leader Behave?

L for loneliness.

This is the first self-reflection and decision every leader faces. Major Dick Winters  (portrayed in “Band of Brothers”) reflected that he did not hang out with his men. He loved the men under his command, but maintained distance and detachment. Leadership can be an isolated and isolating role, so I always tell young and emerging leaders you can either be popular, or you can be a leader, but you can’t have both.

E for execution.

Sooner or later, action must be taken; plans must be executed. Leaders zero in on the deliverables, and how those can be achieved. Without this driving sense of execution, all you have is “panel discussion.”

A for acuity.

They’re visionary and intellectual; they like to see things evolve from one stage to the next. Leaders often see things others can’t; they maintain the proverbial “bigger picture” in their heads. Not everyone who “gets it” is a leader; but every effective leader I know is a person who “gets it.”

D for delegation.

Leaders understand delegation is for the greater good, not merely a mechanism of authority. Sure, it may be easier to just do the task yourself, but if you delegate, there’s substantial group learning to be gained. And it’s important to delegate tasks to the right individuals. Also, a strong leader understands that each of us needs time and space to use our imagination and creativity when asked to do a job, so once a task is delegated, they leave you alone to do it (which may be why my favorite leaders have not been micromanagers).

E (again) for ego.

Outsized egos may appear commanding, but egotistical leaders don’t last: sooner or later, their narcissism creates relationship failures. Seasoned leaders do not let power or authority go to their heads, and they don’t worry about who receives the credit. If they receive credit as an individual, they’ll quickly refer to the team effort.

R for respect, reflection, and resilience.

Again, I defer to Dick Winters, whose men often said they’d happily follow him into hell:

• You win respect not because of rank or position, but because you’re a leader of character.
• Look in the mirror every night and ask yourself if you did your best.
• Hang tough! Never, ever, give up.

What Defines a Leader?

Since challenging circumstances often need a variety of approaches, a leader is someone who sees and defines what has to be done, and then deploys the most suitable leadership approach so the goal of the mission is served, along with the needs of those who’ll be accountable for providing the solution.

A leader may not come up with the answer, but she’ll coach and support the collective search for it. A leader also tracks and observes group dynamics, to make sure people are assigned, included, and given safe forum to work out process problems.

A leader likes to execute, to take action, and to evaluate those actions so wasteful effort is eliminated, and successful actions studied for repetition and gain. 

The truly great leaders know to lead by example—perhaps in small acts of civility, such as making sure everyone gets heard, or intervening when tempers are starting to fray.

And, like literary heroes, any time a leader goes out on a limb to risk something, he takes what’s been learned back to the group so the lesson can be shared. Whatever benefits the group will not be jealously hoarded by a good leader as evidence of her own value. Great leaders share and spread credit as much as possible.

Typically our society has revered single-note leaders with that one winning formula, but as the world continues to change, we need as much versatility of thought and action from our leaders as we see in the diversity of humanity.

Leadership Series: Take Me to Your Leader

Within every workgroup, you have some staples: there’s the slacker, who can’t be counted on for anything except to show up when the job’s done, in an effort to soak up accolades…the willing but uninspired follower who’ll do whatever’s necessary, but has to be told what to do at every step…the constant critic, who knows how everything should be done, but isn’t crazy about assuming any real responsibilities because he’s already overcommitted to so many things requiring his brilliance.

And then there’s that mysterious, elusive character — the leader. Amid the flow of personalities and work, very few understand what it really means to be a leader.

Good leadership is often hard to define, but everyone knows when they’re working with a good leader just like they know when they’re operating in a leadership vacuum.

Some leaders are natural managers, which is the job of making sure processes are running efficiently and regularly improved.

Others are visionaries, less effective with day-to-day operations, but impressive innovators and new-thought pioneers.

There are contradictions as well: take-charge personalities don’t always make the best leaders, and folks who made straight A’s in school often become better specialists than generals of men and women.

Some group circumstances thrive from servant-leaders, those low-key people who bring up the rear rather than charge from the front, because that’s how they gather insight on what has to be done, and how it can be sustainably done. Individuals may have influence but few leadership skills, just as formal leaders may have authority but fail miserably at behaving responsibly.

And, very often, people with robust leadership abilities do not collaborate well with other strong leaders like themselves. Queen bees have been known to fight to the death.

So what’s a plausible working definition of a leader?

Over the next couple blogs, I’ll be discussing this.